Friday, April 28, 2006

File Under:
Dumb Criminals

Maybe this guy and this guy could get together and share a few stories over a bottle of booze or two and some chocolate.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Click it to the man

Where I work, we have been given the vague task of figuring out where we can save money. (Nevermind that most of us don't even know what money is being spent on...) I'm wondering if I should submit this idea.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Respect the apostrophe

If you take a gander over to the right side of your screen, you'll find I've added to the list of links I want you to check out. If you're clever, you'll notice they all have to do with our friend, the apostrophe. Take a look at them, if you're into painful unintentional comedy. But first, let us take a refresher course in the proper use of the apostrophe from the Book Doctor, Shirley Gottlieb.

File Under:
"I Thought 'E' Meant 'Enough'"

Things in California are getting desperate. The way things are going, people might even start walking or biking to work!

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

File Under:
Stupid and Naked Redux

Learn from others' mistakes. For example, remember the naked trap door spider guy? The lesson to be learned was that doing something stupid while naked makes it even more stupid.

Monday, April 24, 2006

File Under:
Violence comma Diner

You can't do this. Even if you did have a bad day because you signed an offer sheet with the Chicago Bears, you can't beat up a dude to the point of loss of consciousness because he's a nerd. Besides, the rule is, if you're eating at Denny's at 3 a.m., you're not allowed to make fun of anybody.

File Under:
London Underground

Did you ever see the play, Sweeny Todd? Well, apparently what's below Fleet Street might be almost as disturbing. Actually, come to think of it, one might explain the other.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

File Under:
Language Arts

As you may know, I believe the certain inevitable demise of our planet is tied in some inextricable way to the erosion of language within its native speakers. Laugh if you want, but it's true. I just haven't found the missing link yet.

Yesterday at work, one of our pilots was telling us about a situation he experienced one time as he was departing from an airport in Mexico. As he told it, he couldn't understand the instructions from the tower, because the person giving them spoke in broken English with a heavy accent. He described her instructions like this:

"It's English, but it ain't English, you know?"


Thursday, April 20, 2006

File Under:
Where's the Money, Lebowski?!

Even if it were worthless, why would you choose the loo to dispose of anything other than a fish?

Friday, April 14, 2006

File Under:
Standing Room Only

It starts with innocent base stealing, and eventually comes to this.

File Under:
Tax Relief

We are almost done with our taxes. Really, I swear we are. But while this year there is no need for his services, I think that Carmine A. Sodora is a flippin' hero and a genius.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

File Under:
Bottled Water comma A Case For

They're really not that bad with a very large tequila.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Hide Your Blog; There's a Killer on the Loose

I'm going to let you in on a dark secret.

I'm a killer.

My victims are usually blog postings, but if need be, I'll strike down a thread on an e-mail list.

I got my start young, well before there was such a thing as an online community. The cool kids with the Corey Feldman, devil-may-care, lessez-faire attitudes would congregate before school, and if one of them was nice enough to slip me a "what's up?" or do one of those half nods that start with the head at even level and end with the chin slightly raised, I'd take the bait and try to participate in the conversation, which would then fall off the proverbial table with a dissonant clang. I was then left to try to pretend I wasn't being stared at or pitied.

Understand, while our peers were chillin' to Axl Rose as he slithered around asking, "Where do we go now?" my friends and I were obsessed with decoding the lyrics to the Beatles' "I Am the Walrus." Decidedly uncool.

Of course, as I got older and priorities shifted and perspective was gained, it no longer was about being cool or in, but about relating to people. And since I am a nice, quiet guy, I have found lots of friends who are happy to have me around. But that doesn't stop me from killing conversation at work or in church board meetings, or in venues where my presence has less to do with selection and more to do with function. You see, the problem is, I need an editor. I can take any healthy, lively, pertinent conversation, and start to interject my thoughts (or dumb jokes, or anecdotes), and before I've taken four breaths, I've gone so far out of bounds that no one can wrestle the conversation back on track. I also, apparently, have a weakness for run-on sentences.

This brings me back to your blog. Beware.

I've noticed an uncanny parallel between my face-to-face conversations with a group of people who didn't necessarily invite me into their huddle and the threads I find my way into in online communities and personal blogs.

You see, I don't post much. I generally am content to watch passively as discussion goes on around me. Truthfully, I'm practicing restraint, as I don't want to say something unless I have something to say. Which is why what happens next perplexes even me.

Eventually, a posting will come around to a book I've just been reading, an album I've been listening to, a movie I saw, or a traffic accident I narrowly avoided. If anyone is qualified to make a statement now, it is me, and if I've ever been timely in my words, that time is now. So, I loft my words of wit and wisdom ever so gracefully, like a Great White Dove of Enlightenment into the crowd who have gathered around to struggle through a seemingly unsolvable conundrum. The dove ascends, turns, dives, and hits the ground with a spectacular thud. Conversation stops. The once-lively topic is now dead and limp.

So you've been warned. If I find my way into your online neighborhood, you'd better lock your blog.

Monday, April 10, 2006

What's So Funny About Laughter?

My wife and I picked up a few DVDs from the library this weekend. The great thing about getting DVDs from the library is you can bring home stuff that you normally wouldn't risk paying a rental fee for, but have been told you should see some time. This was basically true for two of the movies we brought home: I Heart Huckabees, and Sex, Lies, and Videotape. We found Huckabees to be great fun. Very funny. Sex, Lies, and Videotape was also suprisingly funny. You've probably seen it, but if you haven't, the movie is mostly about lies and videotape, but Lies and Videotape, Mostly doesn't really sell.

We also picked up a collection of documentaries called Full Frame Documentary Shorts, vol. 1. We haven't had time to watch any of it except for the first film. But that film is the purpose of this post.

In 1999, Mira Nair (Monsoon Wedding) made a film documenting an interesting phenomenon occuring in India, specifically, in Bombay. Co-directed Adam Bartos, The Laughing Club of India explores an entire, thriving subculture of Indians who have discovered the benefits of laughing for up to 40 minutes per day in a group.

It started with a doctor who had an idea and shared it with a few skeptical friends, and now there are upwards of 500 of these clubs in India, with tens of thousands of people participating every morning. Their rituals include warm-up laughing before diving into several different full-out laughing exercies involving different styles of laughing. My favourite was the one that had young professional men and old women alike sticking their tounges out of their mouths and laughing forcefully.

Friday, April 07, 2006

I said, "God bless you" already!

Does it ever annoy you when people continue to sneeze, no matter how many times you say, "God bless you"? I had a friend tell me after a (rare) third sneeze that I was just reaching for blessings. After someone else sneezes more than three times, I need to say "STOP IT!" quietly under my breath or else I'll explode.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

File Under:
Stupid Nudist Tricks

If you're going to torch a spider, please make sure you are wearing clothes.