Honestly, I'm a vegetarian!

Steven,

I saw something interesting the other week as I was driving up north. I can't remember if it was on I-94 or on 127, but on the left shoulder of the highway, I noticed a car pulled over, and then a little beyond that were two people standing in the grassy ditch, with one of them talking on a cell phone. Just beyond the standing people was an RV or trailer or something, also on the shoulder of the highway. Behind those people and the trailer was a hedge of trees, reaching back into the field perpendicular to the highway. As I passed the hedge, just on the other side, I could see cows. Like, fifty of them. And they were all facing toward the stopped vehicles on the shoulder. They stretched back four several hundred yards, and the closest ones were just a few feet from the highway. The thing is, I don't know if the people in the ditch even knew about the cows because they were just on the other side of the trees. But the cows looked like they definitely knew about the people in the ditch. And they looked like they had a plan of some kind. Some sort of terrible bovine plan.

"Blog" is a stupid word

Dear Steven,

I do not like the word, "blog." Never have. It sounds like something large and involuntary that has made a wrong-way turn in a human baby's esophagus. I feel the need to apologize when I use the word in polite company, or at least to say it in a way that carries the understanding that it is not a word I approve of, and I use it only because it is standard convention.

Please find another word to describe yourself.

Thank you.

No luck

Steven,

Just a quick update on the search for a minstrel.

Remember the mole-man I told you about? The one with the cheeseburgers? Yeah, as it turns out, the only thing he can play is the opening riff to "Smoke on the Water." I'm a little suspicious of his résumé, too. He claims to have earned a BFA from Wellesley College in 1984.